Diary of a lunatic 1

Diary of a lunatic!
M!ercredi 2 avril 2014 01:01!
What’s left in my mind is nothing but pain. Physical pain, I can assume. But mental pain... how to deal with it ? Seriously... I don’t even know why I write this but I only know that may be help me stop speaking to invisible persons during hours when I’m alone. I’ve always wanted super-powers (who wouldn’t ?) but I didn’t realize at the moment that I had. Not really «super-powers» as you should expect, but some specific aspect. For exemple, when I was a child, since I can remember, I was able to do things that kids of my age weren’t able to do...as planning machines able to drain someone’s blood without him being dead... or drawing - obsessionally drawing - gigantic maps of roads on which there were rolling coffins (quite confortable). I didn’t realize that my super-power was this gigantic amazing over-imagination. My parents saw that as a great quality, as my sister had. I red books I liked. I’ve seen movies I liked. But it wasn’t really healthy for me, and no one (even me) could understand why. Because in my head, all these fictions, became real. As I’ve always thought, when you imagine something, it makes it exists. As well as you can give someone’s immortality just by remembering how he looked like, how he was...or just his name. This super-power of mine made me alone... I didn’t notice since the day I had realized that attempting to commit a suicide at twelve years old wasn’t something «normal». By my inner nature, the real one, I’m alone and made to be. I’m not able to have relationships... I tried friendships... I’m actually having some friendships but it’s being quite difficult to keep. I’m not able to do more, I’m sorry. I’d like to...really. Truly. As I said, I red books, saw movies... so I know how to do...well on theory. But I can’t... I truly can’t reproduce it. I can act, that’s true, and everyone can tell how my acting skills are high, but at a certain point. At a certain point, just pretending isn’t enough... I know that, I know human nature because I always thought I was human. Well I’d lie if I’d say I wasn’t human... I’ve checked, believe me ! I’m human yes, but an...abnormal one. OH YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ! I know you’ll tell me I’m not ! But I’ve checked that too ! I AM abnormal, just admit it...even if it’s painful or not obvious for your stupid brains. Oh yes I say stupid because during aaaaaaaaaaall my childhood, teenage, and the beginning of my adult life, my siblings were ALL so stupid ! They didn’t understand... I can say it here because...well may be it will be red or something else, but it seems it’s the only place I can say without thinking that I am someone who speak of herself like a superior being. And that’s the point of this thought... I don’t think about me as superior to the others because I’m intelligent (that’s quite the only - and when I say only I don’t lie - quality I’ve ever allow me to have)...no...May be... may be my brain works in a specific logic that no one can understand entirely, I think this is because I have kind of an autistic brain... I appeared to be when I was a child. I knew it just recently, just a couples of years ago. But I always had good marks at school. I was the perfect pupil. The serious one. The interested one. The calm one. The gifted one. Why ? Because I understood the point. The point in teaching is to acquire some knowledge....that you can use after ! Better than weapons, isn’t it ? Yes, knowledge is the true power. I can laugh at my face because...I never made long studies even if I truly wanted to. I have a job, worth of a CAP at it’s best. So what was the point of being the clever one ? The one who was brilliant ? Because when I was in school, it made me happy. To see pride in my parent’s eyes, admiration in my friend’s one’s... A smile of a friend ? What’s more beautiful ? That’s what I used to think I thought. Now I truly know that compared to have a good mark, I didn’t care at all about having friends or not. I DIDN’T CARE ! Why ? Because I’ve never been alone... There’s a lot of people in my head... Talking... Suggesting...Tempting...Leading.... But I had enough back up to know that I was sad, alone with the people in my head because I knew it wasn’t real friends, that it just made me a weirdo. So I kept up with friends, unconsciously. Then time has past, friends has past...